Beatrice World

a runner friend of mine told me today that maybe i needed a new approach to dating, instead of all the heartache, rejection and pain, think of dating as an art piece that i’m working on. think of the men i meet, the dates, the experiences, and what not as materials to create this beautiful piece of art. i’m not sure if i’m going to be able to do it, but it’s such a lovely thought, so it couldn’t hurt to try. i feel like one of these days, i’m going to figure it all out. i’m going to meet someone wonderful and who fits me wonderfully, and all of these other jerks i’ve met along the way will only be mere pieces of fabric, construction paper, beads, strings, paint, crayons, and glitter. each in their own way have added something beautiful to my project. yes, even though each in their own ways might have also hurt me, they have helped me learn something about myself—that i’m stronger than i ever believed i could be, i have an immense capacity to love, and we all are on our own paths of discovery—some more further along our paths while still others who do not have enough self-awareness to even begin the journey.

so i have a date today, and i’m going into it with a fresh new outlook…wish me luck—i hope it’s a lovely new color to add to my canvas.

Sorry, i’ve been away for so long. let’s just say, my sex life sucked majorly this year (had that boob biting situation and the too huge of a dick fuck with a huger dickhead) along with my even suckier love life (a few so so dates and getting totally lost in my fantasy world with a fantasy guy which all ended miserably, and still at times i find myself longing and yearning for andy —he’s the only real decent, sweet guy whom i’ve truly fallen in love with in my whole life). there was nothing really fun to report, just mending old and new heartbreaks over and over again as usual.

I did find love from my family and friendships.

After 6 months of a break, andy is one of my dearest friends again. i still do a careful dance around him, so that he doesn’t fear that i’m still in love with him (a part of me is, but that part can’t be killed). he and i went to see “slumdog millionaire” last night, and i had such a good time. he is one of the most handsome men i’ve ever met and had the privilege to kiss and fuck. I looked up to see his gorgeous blue eyes and sorta disheveled brown locks (i could imagine that he’d probably be getting a haircut in a few days) and sweet smile. my heart felt that familiar leap, but i knew better, so i soon brought myself back to earth again. i still miss kissing him sometimes. it’s funny, i think my lips have forgotten what it feels like to kiss him and to make love to him (i think it’s our bodies’ defense mechanism, so we can move on from a heartbreak). i just wish i could taste his lips again. we head over for dinner and go check out the film which was beautifully filmed and told. each time andy let out a big laugh, it made me giggle inside. i love hearing him laugh and love making him laugh even more…

finally, i learned about how to love myself a little more this year. i wish i could love myself completely, so i can attract the kind of guy i really want and deserve in this life, but i’m not there yet. i’m still a work-in-progress, and that’s all right. i’ll get there someday, and in the meantime, i’m going to try to date in the new year and actually have fun. i hope to write more stories and filmmake and such, at least more sexxing and blogging just for you, of course! and if all else fails, i’ve still got my pink vibrator that will keep me a-buzzing until my prince cums along, so 2009 is already looking pretty good to me. ;p

happiest of new years to you, and get laid good and plenty!!!

keyboard for blondes (CLICK TO ZOOM)

If someone want to buy me something

One of Romania’s greatest voices, jazz singer Anca Parghel, died this morning, after more than one year who fought a highly publicized battle with ovarian cancer. After the conventional therapy failed, Anca Parghel unsuccessfully alternative medicine in the Nova Vita clinic in Belgrade. She was 51.
Born in the poor northeastern region of Moldova in 1957, Parghel began singing when she was 3 and studied at the Iasi Conservatory from the age of 14. She made 16 albums over more than 20 years.
The diminutive singer with flashing dark eyes was one of Romania’s best known musicians and was compared to the legendary opera diva Maria Callas.

“She was a great talent and more than that she was self-taught because there aren’t any jazz schools in Romania,” musician Damian Draghici told The Associated Press

“She was an extremely talented singer the way she expressed herself. The impact she had on her audience was amazing.”

Parghel began performing professionally in 1984 and two years later released her first album “The Young Dance.” Her last album “Zamorena” was released this year.Anca Parghel participated in numerous jazz festivals in Europe, sharing the stage with top musicians such as Johnny Raducanu, Mircea Tiberian, Garbis Dedeian, Billy Hart, Archie Shepp, Larry Coryell, Jean-Louis Rassinfosse, Phillipp Catherine, Marc Levine, Claudio Roditi, Thomas Stanko, Ricardo Del Fra, Stephane Galland, Jon Hendricks Band or Klaus Ignatzek.

Parghel lived in Belgium where she taught jazz and performed. She also taught in Germany.

She fell ill with breast cancer in 1994 but the disease went into remission. Her diagnosis of ovarian cancer in June prompted a national campaign in Romania to raise money for her treatment. She was treated in hospitals in Austria, Serbia and Romania.

Parghel is survived by her two musician sons. Funeral arrangement were not immediately known.

One of the best duets ever seen in Romania: the extraordinary musician Stefan Banica, along with the fabulous Anca Parghel, in a special version of the song “My Baby Just Cares For Me”, written in 1928 by Walter Donaldson, for the Whoopee musical, and made famous by Nina Simone. Recorded live in the most popular TV show in Romania, “Dansez pentru tine“, Friday, October 31, 2008.

I’m so horny these days that …

basically, i see someone hot as hell (remember my hot as hell is usually a dreamy weezer boy—nerds rock!, so living in sf, i’m surrounded by them everywhere and gay men are usually really hot in the brad pitt sense of the word, so i’m surrounded by them everywhere, too, and let’s just say my gadar can be way off if i don’t actually get to talk with you, so for this 1 minute fuck and crush, i could actually be fucking a gay man without even knowing it)….ok, so i see someone hot as hell, and it’s sorta like seeing your whole life flash in front of you at the very moment of death…i imagine in a span of 1 minute the guy butt-naked and us fucking in every position possible right then and there, under the restaurant table i’m eating at, in the shelves of the library or bookstore and during work, i’m usually fucking a certain someone for hours (so he doesn’t actually count in my 1 minute fuck and crush total throughout the day, but it’s all still only happening inside my head).

i’m a bit of whore really, if you think about it. i fuck a few different guys every which way possible until we start to walk really funny in a blissful daze…it could start by a slight glance, accidental eye contact, a brush of our hands, a smile, the adorable outfit he happens to be wearing, a scent, the gulp of his adam’s apple when he’s talking to someone else, his stance, the way he makes others smile or laugh, his cute, squeezable ass, or in most cases, his eyes. my brain goes into a frenzy and we’re fucking like insane nymphos in between the flashes of us falling in love (the whole nine yards with the wedding, 2 kids and even a dog)…the craziest part of all of this is that in the real world, we haven’t even exchanged a simple hello, but in my head, we’ve already exchanged bodily fluids and vows in the span of 1 minute! and since i am so painfully shy and afraid of rejection, i can barely make proper eye contact and give these guys a come hither smile…so it’s actually funny, the many lifetimes that can happen in a blink of an eye, when my brain and pussy are sexually deprived?!

sad conclusion: i seriously need to get fucked good, long and hard by a genuinely sweet, hot nerd soon soon cuz these 1 minute fuck and crushes aren’t amounting to even an hour of real, satisfying connection…and a girl can only masturbate so much until she needs a real human cuddle!

i know, i know…you’re probably wondering where the hell did i go? what the fuck? i’m still alive. and no, i haven’t been locked in some sex orgy for the past month. i’ve just been uninspired by my dating life. long story short:

date 1: french guy, so sweet with that ever so dreamy french accent, we’re having a great time. one hour later, he asks, “is it all right if i go now?” i felt like he slammed a sledgehammer right down on the top of my head…what do you say to that? “ummm, of course.”…his fucking loss, not mine!

date 2: funny actor guy, i mean hilarious, engaging, relatively handsome, smart, we are like talking for 5 hours straight, laughing and at the end of the date, he walks me home and gives me a pretty yummy first kiss. he texts me when he gets home. he asks me out on a second date the very day after. i’m completely floored. alas, i can’t go cuz i’m out of town, but when i get back, i try to schedule another date. we set one up, but 3 hrs. before the date, he cancels and then he never calls back ever again. i try to call and even drop him an e-mail…nothing! dead silence. what the fuck?!!!! (can anyone explain that to me, please? i can’t make heads or tails of what happened?)…his fucking loss, not mine!

date 3: wicked intelligent guy (his father is literally a rocket scientist), the minute i meet him, i know it’s not going to work out, i just get this vibe about him that makes me uncomfortable and awkward around him. during the lunch date, he proceeds to tell me that he was committed to a mental institution 10 years ago, he has a 11 year old daughter he has never met and doesn’t really care to meet, and all the while he’s talking, i get this queasy feeling in my guts because he’s way too smart for me to relate to, i find myself closed off…i knew i didn’t want to lead him on, so i turn my normally hilarious, funny storyteller self into ms. dullest of dullsville. i knew it definitely wasn’t going to work out especially when he was still interested at the end of our date—how could he like the most boring ass version of myself!…his fucking loss, and maybe my own, but i can’t force my heart to thump thump thump when i don’t feel that magical zing, unfortunately.

and then there’s my friend jamie who is a whole other bag of issues, but also a really wonderful guy. we practically act like an old married couple (all the fun except for the sex), and we have a blast! i KNOW sex would just fuck things up! he’s actually trying to get out there and date, too, and i’m so encouraging and hopeful for him. he’s a very sweet catch, but just not my sweet catch. he’s my good friend, and i’d like to keep it that way. in my life, unless you’re gay, i feel like all my male friends have seen me naked at some time in our relationship. so it’s actually really nice to have a guy friend who is straight and hasn’t seen me naked and actually really truly wants me as his friend. he calls me up or e-mails me at least once a week and we try to catch up…it’s nice. we can spend hours together without it getting all weird. i like that a lot.

ok, so you’re wondering what’s up with the title? let’s just say, i’m as horny as hell, but i promised myself that i wouldn’t have sex until 2009. i know it’s only a month and two weeks away now, but that doesn’t mean on january 1st at the stroke of midnight, i’m going to fuck the first cock i see, so who knows how long this drought is going to last?! so my mind starts wandering and gets fixated at times and reruns past fucked up relationships and then makes me think of morbid thoughts of dying an old maid with a shriveled up cunt…it’s very, very depressing at times. i start to think what is the fucking point of all this??!!!

the other day, my dentist with the bluest eyes was working on my teeth and the mere touch of his finger in my mouth sent this yearning straight to my pussy and i just wanted to suck on that finger gently. i could feel my tongue getting very anxious, but i managed to control myself, since i really did need to get my teeth fixed properly. basically, i’m trying to abstain from sex to clear my head, so maybe sometime next year, i’ll be able to actually meet a healthy, well-rounded, and truly genuine guy to finally fall in love with AND who will also really, truly fall in love with me…until then, i’ve got my wild imagination to keep me occupied…i hope you guys are fucking good and long and hard and extra, since i sure as hell ain’t getting any!