Beatrice World

i know, i know…you’re probably wondering where the hell did i go? what the fuck? i’m still alive. and no, i haven’t been locked in some sex orgy for the past month. i’ve just been uninspired by my dating life. long story short:

date 1: french guy, so sweet with that ever so dreamy french accent, we’re having a great time. one hour later, he asks, “is it all right if i go now?” i felt like he slammed a sledgehammer right down on the top of my head…what do you say to that? “ummm, of course.”…his fucking loss, not mine!

date 2: funny actor guy, i mean hilarious, engaging, relatively handsome, smart, we are like talking for 5 hours straight, laughing and at the end of the date, he walks me home and gives me a pretty yummy first kiss. he texts me when he gets home. he asks me out on a second date the very day after. i’m completely floored. alas, i can’t go cuz i’m out of town, but when i get back, i try to schedule another date. we set one up, but 3 hrs. before the date, he cancels and then he never calls back ever again. i try to call and even drop him an e-mail…nothing! dead silence. what the fuck?!!!! (can anyone explain that to me, please? i can’t make heads or tails of what happened?)…his fucking loss, not mine!

date 3: wicked intelligent guy (his father is literally a rocket scientist), the minute i meet him, i know it’s not going to work out, i just get this vibe about him that makes me uncomfortable and awkward around him. during the lunch date, he proceeds to tell me that he was committed to a mental institution 10 years ago, he has a 11 year old daughter he has never met and doesn’t really care to meet, and all the while he’s talking, i get this queasy feeling in my guts because he’s way too smart for me to relate to, i find myself closed off…i knew i didn’t want to lead him on, so i turn my normally hilarious, funny storyteller self into ms. dullest of dullsville. i knew it definitely wasn’t going to work out especially when he was still interested at the end of our date—how could he like the most boring ass version of myself!…his fucking loss, and maybe my own, but i can’t force my heart to thump thump thump when i don’t feel that magical zing, unfortunately.

and then there’s my friend jamie who is a whole other bag of issues, but also a really wonderful guy. we practically act like an old married couple (all the fun except for the sex), and we have a blast! i KNOW sex would just fuck things up! he’s actually trying to get out there and date, too, and i’m so encouraging and hopeful for him. he’s a very sweet catch, but just not my sweet catch. he’s my good friend, and i’d like to keep it that way. in my life, unless you’re gay, i feel like all my male friends have seen me naked at some time in our relationship. so it’s actually really nice to have a guy friend who is straight and hasn’t seen me naked and actually really truly wants me as his friend. he calls me up or e-mails me at least once a week and we try to catch up…it’s nice. we can spend hours together without it getting all weird. i like that a lot.

ok, so you’re wondering what’s up with the title? let’s just say, i’m as horny as hell, but i promised myself that i wouldn’t have sex until 2009. i know it’s only a month and two weeks away now, but that doesn’t mean on january 1st at the stroke of midnight, i’m going to fuck the first cock i see, so who knows how long this drought is going to last?! so my mind starts wandering and gets fixated at times and reruns past fucked up relationships and then makes me think of morbid thoughts of dying an old maid with a shriveled up cunt…it’s very, very depressing at times. i start to think what is the fucking point of all this??!!!

the other day, my dentist with the bluest eyes was working on my teeth and the mere touch of his finger in my mouth sent this yearning straight to my pussy and i just wanted to suck on that finger gently. i could feel my tongue getting very anxious, but i managed to control myself, since i really did need to get my teeth fixed properly. basically, i’m trying to abstain from sex to clear my head, so maybe sometime next year, i’ll be able to actually meet a healthy, well-rounded, and truly genuine guy to finally fall in love with AND who will also really, truly fall in love with me…until then, i’ve got my wild imagination to keep me occupied…i hope you guys are fucking good and long and hard and extra, since i sure as hell ain’t getting any!